I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
