My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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