This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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