Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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