white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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