Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
