just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
