some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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