Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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