I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
