I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
