there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
