soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize