Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Randomize
