Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
