five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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