is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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