I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize