I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize