so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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