Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
