All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Oh god it's open bar.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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