I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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