If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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