wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
