Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
