The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize