the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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