i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
