how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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