you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
