You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
