Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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