i was born a porn star she said
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
