Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize