Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
