I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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