it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
