The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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