How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
