How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
