my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
