I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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