Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
