You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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