just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
