On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
