So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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