Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
