if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
