Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
