gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize