Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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