My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
