Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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