My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
