so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
