The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
