i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
