do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
