If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
