I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
