Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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