I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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